The Pakistani Spectator

We warmed ourselves before the fire late of a July evening in this the chilliest summer Georgetown had known since Coolidge’s day.  My companion lay sprawled in the wicker chair puffing on his favorite Calabash pipe.  The distinctive aroma of organic, shade grown Sobranie wafted through the salon.  I knew from long acquaintance, though, that his mind was fixed on solving one of those intricate puzzles that so amused him.  I guessed that it was the latest twist in the tortuous saga of the government’s ill-starred profitable health care program which had kept all of the capital abuzz for weeks.  I was startled then when suddenly he pronounced: “So what is it now about Afghanistan?  I surmise that from the way your shoulder is twitching where you received the Jazeel bullet outside of Jalalabad.”

I had in fact been reading the latest National Journal entries which did include Afghanistan as one among several troubling foreign matters.  “I am inclined to think…,” I began before being cut off with uncharacteristic curtness: “by all means do, that would be a welcome novelty in Washington.  So many good brains so under employed.”

“It is the vexed question they pose about the unharmonious sounds issuing from our senior foreign policy-makers”, I resumed. “Our commitment to a Gulf security umbrella, Israeli threats to bomb Iran, Pakistan,.…dissonant voices on all of them.”

“You – and your editors – have overlooked a few items” revealing that he already was apprised of the matter.  ‘Let us not overlook Talleyrand’s invoking of the danger presented to the realm by the Monster of Mynamar, now made more menacing by Korean small arms.  That is a tale she evidently, and perhaps mistakenly, believes the world is ready for. Then there is the affair of the fantastic Persian embassy in Nicaragua whose diabolical purposes we all know.  No less perplexing is Lock-jaw’s savaging of the Russian bear.  These are deep waters indeed.”

“But truly,” I protested, “couldn’t we explain it all simply as the exuberant behavior of novices intoxicated with their posh new surroundings?”

“I fear the evidence does not support such innocent theories.  I should not sleep soundly if it were my nephew sitting exposed in the Oval Office.  I have formed five hypotheses, all of which conform to the facts as we know them.  I shall outline them to you in turn – contrary to my principle of avoiding premature judgments but as an indulgence of your new-found addiction to blogs.”

“An unseemly pattern of verbal effusion due to lax discipline on the part of Our Saviour.  He may have taken too literally the admonition to turn a deaf ear to the impulsive eruptions of his publicity starved subordinates.  The relaxed mind is a supple instrument; yet for it to bear profitable fruit discipline must be observed in timing release of its bounty.  I fear that Montezuma is not meeting fully his responsibilities as protector of the President’s prerogatives on such sensitive matters of state.  As for Hustler, he appears too preoccupied trying to calm the raucous kennel of Blue Dogs.  That is hypothesis one.   “

“A clever scheme to confuse our enemies by overloading their information systems with extreme amounts of contradictory data.  It has the double advantage of blurring all clues as to what is wheat and what is chaff while sowing dissension among their analysts.  My brother Mycroft hinted at such a scheme the other day in the Cosmos Club.  He confided that they have given it the telling name: Operation Ultra Echelon.  That is hypothesis two.”

“Parallel plots by Talleyrand and Lock-jaw to prepare the ground for a run at the White House in 2012 in the event that Our Saviour loses the Mandate of Heaven – as our Chinese paymasters say.  Attention is the goal.  It is a singular feature of our times that popular celebration is the road to riches, fame and thereby power.  We no longer inhabit the feet on the ground world of our late lamented Queen who ensured that the choice between Mr. Gladstone and Mr. Disraeli would be hers rather than the Supreme Court’s.  That is hypothesis three.”

“The unsettling discrepancy between boldly stated goals and unclear strategies for reaching them means less than adequate guidance for the players in the diplomatic orchestra.  Soloists by temperament can produce harmonious sound only where there is a concertmaster who interprets the entire score and keeps a steady beat.  More time in the rehearsal hall and less globetrotting is needed in order to blend individual flair with effective music-making.  That is hypothesis four.”

“There remains the possibility that a man cleverer than both these worthies is spinning his web to enmesh his rivals while he moves stealthily to extend his control over the whole panoply of our dealings on five continents.  This man is so secretive, so subtle in his means, that his presence is more sensed than felt.  It is only thanks to my long study of his methods that I can detect his febrile hand behind the faintest tremors of the web he has so cunningly spun.  His machinations are concealed by multiple layers of subterfuge, a skill acquired in decades of struggle against the Evil Empire.  His associates know him only as Ivan.  That is hypothesis five.”

“I shall say no more.  But I do ask, my good fellow, whether you would provide me with your steadfast company later tonight on a venture whereby I hope to get to the bottom of this mystery.  For there is a hypothesis six.  I forewarn you that you may be in danger since the people we are up against are as lacking in scruples as they are ambitious.

“I gave my consent without hesitation.  “Then,” he said with a thin smile, “I shall wake you in time to catch the 3:10 to Yuma where – unbeknownst to them – we have a rendezvous with the odd couple.”