The Pakistani Spectator

Hey Dude! I am human.

What you have just said you are human means you are humanist. No wait a second you have used the word dude, impressed by western slang, you are impressed by so called westerns like most of our elite, desi angrez. You are brown sahb, rather American pie type of thing because you said dude and Americans say dude all the time. See, how easy it was to guess you. All you need is, keep your eyes open.

I am sorry but I am not humanist, brother.

Brother? That what you said, haan. Well, yes I was wrong I guess. American never said brothers they say bro. Well you are Tableeghi or Jamatia, they always say brother. Hey who knows, you could also be leftist. Now I know you. You figured that I didn’t read about these Comrade and big brother kind of stuff.

Listen to me I am not leftist.

OK, Then you must be rightist. Now a day we are getting these kinds of persons a lot. I won’t blame you because it’s really hard to resist the propaganda of these capitalistic countries. They are spending lot of money to save their system. But let me tell you that fate of this so called capitalistic system is no different from communism.

Well, I am not rightist either. I do agree that there is some good in them but I don’t agree with their whole philosophy.

Ahaan, means you are Islamic rightist, like those socio-Islamist. And you have seen that what happened to them. These socio-Islamic slogans were possible only in 70’s but their time is over now.

Hello, I am not the Islamic rightist either. I have views of my own and that’s all.

Views of your own, really! I got it. You are self righteous narcissist.

I don’t consider that I am the authority. It’s that, I just borrowed my ideas by reading Iqbal, Jamil Jalbi, Mukhtar Masood, Banu Qudsia, Mumtaz Mufti and Ishfaq Ahmad.

Oh! You are talking of Mumtaz Mufti and Ishfaq Ahmad, those self acclaimed spirituals. You are getting into Sufism. But let me tell you that this kind Sufism won’t work, it’s not the way to cut yourself from the world and start living in caves and being Rishi mini, Sadhu or Peer.

I am not talking about living in the caves, in fact I have apartment of my own. I have my social life, I go to the clubs every once in a while.

Life of luxury and everything! You know how much people are dying out there in Somalia and Ethiopia and you are spending all this money on these luxuries. I am sorry to inform you that you are self centered materialistic.

No, I am not. I give charity quite often. I never worked more than 8 hrs a day. I am not going crazy for money.

You work less than 8 hrs. You knew Chinese and Japanese, how much they had worked when their countries were in the same condition like our country. You could be anything but not Patriotic.

I am patriotic. I never call myself Punjabi etc.

Oh! You are denying the existence of rich cultural heritage of Punjabi culture. How pathetic!

I am not denying Punjabi culture. I only want that there should be harmony in Punjabi and Pakistani and Muslim and human. Can’t I be all of them at same time?

Ahaan, I know a person like you who wants to make happy everyone. But you can’t fool me. You don’t you say the truth that you are opportunist.

I shouted that I am not opportunist.

Hey, you are shouting. You want me to accept your point of view by yelling at me and by force. You Freak! I tell you, you got revealed. You are fundamentalist.

I am not fundamentalist. I am Muslim but I do regard other religions like Christianity etc. I have no problem with minorities.

Ahaan; I can smell the secular views in your talk. You are dam secular. I know secularism is big threat today.

I am not secular in that sense. I was just respecting the right of co-existence. I hope that one day everybody will come to the truth. It’s the truth that will survive the test of time just like Darwin quoted the survival of the fittest

Preaching me Darwinism! You pathetic low life Atheist. What I look like, a fool!

How can I be atheist? I just told you that I am Muslim.

Yes you say you are Muslim but you are not, you are Munafiq. You Lawrence of Arabia! We better needed to beware of you. You traitor!

I think it’s better not to speak.

Ahaan, Silence. But it’s of no use I have already identified you. You are a spy, that’s for sure. The only thing remain is whether you are Indian or American agent!

I won’t speak.

Hey, you are speaking and you said you won’t speak. That’s the duality which we have experienced from Indians, saying one thing and doing another. I already knew you are Indian agent. I only wanted to make sure. You are caught bro!